Please Don't Tell Me Your Life Story

We have a business where we deal with the public.  When I go to a business with a question, or needing a price for something, I go in, tell them what I'm looking for, and ask the price.  People come to our business and it takes 20 minutes for them to tell how they happened to come to need our services and where they were going when it happened, and what time it happened, and I always want to say - I don't want to know that.  People tell us about their surgeries, divorces, deaths, sicknesses, cheating spouses, etc.  All to lead up to asking for a price.  Why?  I will never know.  They tell us things that I wouldn't tell my close friends.  The best are the ones who come in the door coughing and then tell of their recent doctor visit and how they have strep or some other contagious thing.  I sometimes wish I had one of those thick glasses like the county courthouse has with just a little slot for them to slide their payment through! 
And better than that is when someone comes into our small waiting room, uses the bathroom for NUMBER 2, and then another customer enters a few minutes later.  The look on their face is priceless.  They all look the same!  They want to wrinkle their nose or cover their face, but they are trying to act like they don't notice the smell!  Aren't people funny?

I hate going to the store

Why is it that I can't ever stay in my original check out lane at the grocery store? There I am, waiting in line when my eyes begin to wander to the next lane over. There are only two people in that lane, and they don't have very full carts. I know I should just stay put, and I try to resist, but I can't. So I switch lanes. In all my years, this has never been a good decision, yet I keep doing it! Turns out the first person in front of me claims she gave the cashier a $100, but the cashier says it was a $20. While they work that it, the original lane I was in had  checked out all the people I was behind, plus a couple more. Then the next couple I am behind act like they are on meth, and take a long time, and they are loud and obnoxious. If I had stayed in the first lane, I would have been done 10 minutes sooner! When will I learn?!!

Mouse on the loose!

So I am sitting in the living room this morning putting on my makeup, when something catches my eye.  It's a mouse!  Running along the wall opposite where I am sitting.  My stupid dog, who is sitting beside me is oblivious.  So I say, "There's a mouse!  Get it!  Look!  A Mouse!!"  He jumps down, and I think he is going to earn his keep.  Instead, he runs to the back door and barks, then runs to the front door and barks, all the while this mouse is just meandering along without a care in the world.  I race to get a trap and smear some peanut butter on it and set it where the mouse should travel.  Then the dog notices the trap.  So now I am trying to quietly yell at the dog to get away from the trap and let the mouse find it.  Of course, the mouse goes the other way. Finally, I have to leave for work, so I put the trap where the dog can't get it, and leave a huge note for my husband to check it before he leaves, right in front of the coffee pot, where I KNOW he goes every day.  I get to work and he has no idea what I'm talking about.  Today, he did not get coffee.  Is this a sign to how my Monday is going to go??? When I get home tonight I figure I will either have a mouse or a dog in the trap - 50-50 odds on either one.

Ah, He'll Be Alright

When my son was about 3 1/2, I had left him in my husband's charge while I went to music practice.  As I pulled in the drive coming home, I could see my son and husband sitting on the couch through the window. They were just watching TV. When I walked in, my son smiled at me and I just about passed out!  His smile was red with blood and one of his front teeth was broken half off!  "What happened?!" I asked.  My husband said, "Well he was in the tub and slipped and hit his mouth on the side." Just like it was an every-day occurrence.  I suggested we rush to the emergency room or call the dentist's after hours number or something.  My husband says, "Ah, he'll be alright.  Just wait until tomorrow and call the dentist."  And he was alright, and I waited until the morning.  But he did have a chipped tooth in every picture until his permanent teeth came in! 

Never let your husband dress your kids!

When my kids were about 1 and 6, I had had enough of being cooped up while my husband was out every weekend doing something (it's always SOME kind of hunting or fishing season), so I got up on a Saturday, and announced I was going out and he would have to watch the kids.  I was so proud of myself for just leaving it with him and got in the car to go......nowhere!  I had nowhere to go!  So, I decided I would just go to Walmart and browse.  I had probably been there maybe an hour, when who do I see, but my husband and both kids!  My son still had breakfast on his face, and my daughter had worn pony tails the day before, but not this day, so her hair was sort of poking out from her head and kinked from the previous day's pony tail holders.  It looked like she dressed herself and then dressed my son.  There they all were, happy as clams, and not one of them cared that they looked like homeless people!  I was appalled.  I guess that was my penalty for thinking I would go out and that he would take care of everything! 
And why is it that it's the mom's job to take care of the kids, but you have to ASK the dad to watch them?  I don't recall him ever asking me if I would mind to watch them for a while!

The Walmart Tantrum

Some years back, I was shopping in Walmart with my 3 year old son and 8 year old daughter.  You know how it is when you go to the store - a million "Can I have this?" questions and a million "No, not today" replies.  My son decided to lay in the floor and have a screaming tantrum after one of my "No"s.  So, I picked him up and took him to the ladies bathroom.  I left my daughter standing outside the door with the cart.  We went into a stall, and discussed the behavior, and I said, "Now, you know you have to have a spanking, don't you?"  "Yes", he said.  So he got a spanking.  Not a beating, just a few swats on the behind.  Of course, he cried like I was pulling his toenails out.  We stayed in the stall until he was calm again, had another short discussion and went out.  When we came out, there were several Walmart employees and a few customers gathered around the door.  I put my son in the cart and started to walk away with my daughter behind us.  I asked, "Was someone shoplifting or something? Why were all those people gathered around the door?"  My daughter informed me they were all listening to the screaming child from within and trying to decide what to do!  So I told her if anyone comes up to us before we get out of here, we're leaving the cart and running to the car!  Fortunately, no one said anything, but I was appalled at the whole thing.  Only because I have been witness to those obnoxious people who say LOUDLY to their children, "Just look what a scene you're making!  You stop acting like that or you're gonna get it!", not knowing that THEY are making a much bigger scene than their child's behavior.  These are the same people who take hold of the child's arm and jerk them here or there to make them mind. 

Cell phone costs

When my son was about 5, we were riding in the car and I noticed he had my cell phone, examining it rather closely. Now this was some 15 years ago, when you were charged for both incoming and outgoing minutes on cell phones. He was fascinated with it, but I had always told him we only use it when we need to because it costs money every time you use it. So after studying it for a while, he asked, "So, where does the money go?" "What?", I asked. He replied, "You said it costs money. Where do you put it in the phone?" He was looking for a slot to insert your money! Funny to me, but simply logical to him!

Wedding Blues

When my daughter got married, we did everything. Partly from necessity, partly because we are all do-it-yourselfers. Anyway, when the day came, we had taken her dog, and my mother's dog to my house to join my dog and left them there so they wouldn't be in the way. When we finally came home, we were beyond exhausted. Upon arriving home, we found that one or more of the dogs had apparently ate something that disagreed with them. They had pooped and thrown up from one end of our house to the other. It was in every room, on my daughter's bed, in the crevices of her bed frame. I cried for a while, and when that didn't make it any better, we began the cleanup. This was one of those times where you weigh the price of new blankets against washing them - we threw them in the yard, along with mattress pads and rugs. We did finally get to go to bed, and the whole house smelled of poop and spot shot! Funny now -not so much that night!

Piercing Palooza

One day, while my husband was standing in line at a gas station, a guy was standing in front of him with a gazillion bars and rings pierced throughout his face, and tattoos covering almost all of his body.  As my husband was blankly starting at him, he turns around and says, "What are you looking at?". The reply, "What do you think I'm looking at?"  Isn't that why people do that?

One time while driving...

Does this happen to you?  I am riding in the car with my husband, not really doing anything, when I notice that he is more concerned with who just called on his phone or whether there are deer along the highway than actually watching the road.  You know those grate marks they put on the edge of the highway so you know if you are veering off? Well, we know them, too - well.  So that's when I begin my sounds and actions to make him pay attention without really "doing" anything.  The sighs, grabbing the door pull, using the invisible brake on my side, and finally putting my hands on the dash to brace for impact if it happens.  His only reply, "What? I'm watching the road. I do know how to drive without you."
Is it all men, or what?  When I am driving I figure it takes all my concentration to watch the road.  He comes home and tells about the deer or turkeys he saw in a field on the way home and I know, he's doing it. Sightseeing while driving.  Nothing bad has ever happened, but I sure do worry about it.  My favorite response - "That made my butt cheeks squeeze together!"