Saturday, July 8, 2017

Are Dads Just Pocket Change?

    
Has anyone but me noticed the dramatic difference on how the world views fathers who are married to their child's mother vs. fathers who are not married to their child's mother?
    In a traditional marriage and family, the father is an exalted position.  The father is respected for being the leader of the family.  It is the father's role to be the cornerstone of religious preference, and to be the stable, logical figure of authority.  Father's generally have steady, stable jobs.  Most fathers are also in charge of the fun things that families do.  Fathers take their families camping, fishing, hiking, swimming, and on many other outdoor adventures.  Fathers are the ones who grab their children and toss them into the air while the child squeals with excitement.  Fathers are the only ones who are allowed to pass gas and laugh about it with their kids.  Fathers wrestle with their kids while mothers complain about the roughness, but it is still an enjoyable activity for everyone.  Fathers are expected to be a girl's first love and a boy's first hero.  Fathers save the day.  Fathers protect.  Fathers stand up for what is right.  Fathers teach girls how they should be treated by their future husband.  Fathers teach boys how to treat a girl.  Fathers solve problems.  Fathers fix things. 
     Things tend to change dramatically, however, when a divorce takes place, or a custody battle begins.  Fathers immediately become a distant visitor.  They must now pay to support themselves and their children AND their estranged partner.  They must pay money to see their own children they were previously seeing on a daily basis.  Let's suppose that a man and woman split up and had no children.  They are done; finished.  No further ties exist.  The man must continue living and working and supporting himself.  The woman must continue living and working and supporting herself.  Seems pretty cut and dried.  Enter a child, and all things change.  The mother doesn't have to do a single thing.  If she chooses not to work, no one condemns her, and the father must pay more money to her.  If she chooses to spend the money on herself instead of the children, no one cares and she is not punished for her lack of judgment.  If she wishes to announce false abuse allegations, the system jumps to cut off the father's rights.  Once allegations are proven false, all is dismissed, again with no punishment for mother's intentional attempt to alienate the father.
     This same father, who previously was intertwined in the daily lives of his children, must now work as many hours as possible to pay for his living expenses, mandatory child support to the mother, and astronomical attorney fees to try and buy his way back into his own childrens' lives.  Is there something wrong with this picture? If the father says, "I think I'll just quit my job and go back to school and take a break from working," he will likely be incarcerated for not paying child support.  He will be referred to as a "Deadbeat Dad".  Society will look down upon him.  The mother, though not legally permitted to do so, will cut off visits with the children, claiming that until he pays the child support, he won't get to see his kids.  The mother holds the strings simply because she is female.
     How is it possible that in this time of "equality" for all, and "equal rights" for everyone, that this atrocity continues to happen on a daily basis?  If our country truly has equal rights, then let's make it equal.  Equal time with the children, and no support to or from anyone.  Daddy has to get a job to support himself and his children he has for half the time.  Mom has to get a job to support herself and her children she has half the time.  Is that so unfair?  Of course this is assuming both parents are fit, able, and willing to care for the children.  How is it that our judicial system thinks the best interest of the children is to see their father 4 days per month?  How is a father supposed to be a role model and influence the lives of his children when he only sees them 4 days per month?  The daycare provider spends more time with the children that their own father!  The "standard" schedule amounts to a loss of 13 years that the father has been absent from the child's life by the time the child turns 18. This is in the best interest of the children? 
     As I come to know more people's stories about divorce, child support, and child custody, there are a few commonalities with everyone.  It seems that if the attorneys and judges were interested in the "best interest" of the children, they would encourage the two parties to work things out amicably when possible.  But, of course, it's kind of like the pharmaceutical companies: If they provided cures, they would be out of business.  But if they treat the symptoms, people continue to come back and buy more.  Attorneys don't live in fancy houses and drive nice cars because they did what was best for their clients.  They did what was best for themselves! How they sleep at night is beyond me!
     Also, it seems that many of the mothers I hear about, including one I have personal experience with, are textbook "Narcissists".  They live in a made-up reality which they have created.  In their world, they are entitled to the best of everything because, well, they are just so great.  They haven't worked for or earned anything.  They are usually low on intelligence, but high on opinions.  Narcissists are hot-headed, and most times, they are abusive.  They fly into a violent rage when anyone dares to disagree with them or tell them "no".  They think no one knows about their behavior, but they are mistaken.  More people than they think know about everything they do.  (I know you're reading this and yes, I know about EVERYTHING you have ever done...)  They are liars.  They lie about small insignificant things, and about big, important things.  They rarely tell the truth. Not only that, but their reality consists of their lies to themselves and to others, so much that they believe their lies and sometimes have a hard time seeing the truth.  They are victims.  Victims of everything under the sun.  They throw out the words "abuse" and "harassment" like tossing pebbles into a pond.  They don't have the same meaning when a narcissist says them, but the narcissist knows what the majority of society thinks when they hear them, so it furthers their cause as the victim.  
     These mothers proclaim themselves to be "single mothers", when the fathers would give all they had just to have more time with their children.  Most of the fathers just want to move on with their lives and achieve some sort of normality. They have accepted that they will be forever tied to the mother of their children, but also want to move forward with their lives as well.  It seems like many mothers view the father simply as an ATM.  They are very demanding about their "entitled" funds, though many times the children never see any of the money.  
     Additionally, many mothers don't actually care about the well-being of the children, but rather use them as tokens and bargaining tools with the father.  Sometimes they bargain just for money, while other times they use the children like a hot poker, sticking the father at every opportunity.  They take enough photos to post on social media and give an outward appearance of the "perfect" life, but the fathers and their families know the inside story.  They see the children in less than favorable conditions.  They see the diaper rash, dirty hair, dirty, smelly clothes, scared looks, and more in their children.  They know the mother doesn't care, but for a non-custodial father to make such a declaration would be laughed at by society, and judges as well.  
     The mother doesn't have to do anything in particular to get primary custody.  The father, however, must walk to the ends of the earth and back with stacks and stacks of proof to get more than 4 days per month with their children.  Unbelievable, just unbelievable.  
     When will fathers be seen as equally important in their children's lives, and when will mothers be expected to do their fair share of providing for their children? I hope soon, but until then, I fear fathers will continue to just be seen as a perpetual checkbook...