Saturday, April 29, 2017

Conversations with a Narcissist

     Dealing with a narcissist can be enough to send a sane person over the edge.  I had heard that term used many times in my life, but until I actually interacted with one I had no idea of the destruction they leave in their wake.  Narcissists are a special breed of people, unlike most people we come into contact with throughout our lives.  They are liars.  Liars about big things, and also about small, insignificant things.  They are liars because they don't exist in the real world.  They only exist in their illusion.  And when it's their illusion, it can be anything they wish - sort of like when you have a weird dream and things that make no sense are perfectly logical in the dream. Narcissists would rather climb a ladder to tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
     Their lies become their reality.  They believe their own lies so strongly that they could pass a lie detector test.  And they spout them with such authority that it makes sane people doubt what they know actually happened.
     True narcissists are so superficial, that people who have not been personally involved with them many times think the normal person is crazy.  After all, they are accusing this "syrupy" sweet person of nasty, vile things.  If one can merely wait long enough, the narcissist will show their true colors and all will know, but sometimes that waiting takes a long time.
     Narcissists do not have the ability to love another human being.  Their love of themselves is so great, there is simply no room for anyone else.  They have the desire for supreme control, by any means necessary.  They do not possess logic.  When explaining something logical to the narcissist, they can't process it unless the end result is what they wanted.
     Narcissists believe they deserve the best.  The best of everything.  They don't believe this because they have worked hard, or because they are deserving.  They believe it because they are, in their minds, entitled.  If you don't believe them, just ask.  They will gladly tell you how wonderful and special they are.

Example of a general conversation involving a couple of people and a narcissist:
Person 1:  That sure is a nice neighborhood over there.
Person 2:  Yes, I know.  There are a lot of fancy houses being built.  Those people must make a lot of money.
Narcissist:  "Oh, yes.  My sister has a house over there."
Person 1: "Really?  Which one?"
Narcissist:  "Well it's not finished yet, they are still in the process."
Person 2:  "Oh, so which one is theirs?"
Narcissist:  "I'm not sure.  My family doesn't really talk to her that much, so I don't know which one it is."
Truth:  Sister does not have a house over there, nor is even contemplating building a house there.  
The narcissist can't resist.  They can't simply join the conversation and say, "Yes, those are some pretty nice houses."  They have to invent something to make you think they are a part of what you have described as "impressive".  The stupid thing here is that it's not like you live in another town and will never find out - it will be known to everyone that it was a big fat lie.

Example of a conversation involving a narcissist and their "significant other":
Narcissist:  "I just can't trust you anymore."
Person 1: "Why not?  What have I done that makes you think you can't trust me?"
Narcissist:  "You know what you've done."
Person 1:  "No, I don't know.  Tell me what has happened that you don't trust me?"
Narcissist:  "I am not going to play your little games."
Person 1:  "What games?  I just want an answer."
Narcissist:  "I have been through this with you before."
Person 1:  "Been through what?  What are you talking about?  What have I done to make you not trust me?"
Narcissist: "I am not telling you again."
Person 1 now begins to doubt reality because the narcissist spouts their nonsense with such authority.
Finally, the subject is dropped with no answer because the sane person knows there IS no answer.
TRUTH:  Sane person has done nothing to make the narcissist not trust them, but this is their way of creating chaos, stirring the pot of dissension, and maintaining control of the relationship.

Example of a conversation involving a narcissist and a casual acquaintance:
Narcissist: "He has always been mean to me."
Person 1: "Really?  I had no idea."
Narcissist:  "Oh, yes.  It has been most awful. I have thought about calling the police several times, but was trying to be the bigger person."
Person 1:  "Gee, that's too bad.  It must be hard."
Narcissist: "Yes, I try to hide all the bruises, but sometimes it is difficult.  Some day, I will work up the courage to leave."
TRUTH:  The narcissist is in fact the one who is violent during arguments, and the instigator of both the argument and the violence.

Example of argument between the narcissist and their significant other:
Narcissist:  "I think we should do this."
Person 1:  "I don't think we should do this.  It doesn't seem like a very good idea to me."
Narc: "I want to do it.  That's why.  It makes perfect sense."
Person 1:  "It is not a good idea. The reasons it is not a good idea are A, B, and C."
Narc:  "That's not reasons.  It is a good idea and we are going to do it."
Person 1:  "Don't you see, it's a bad idea.  If you do this, X, Y, and Z are going to happen and it will end in disaster.  You can't do it."
Narc:  "Oh, that is just like you.  Every time I want something you shoot me down.  If you really loved me and cared about me, you would support me here.  Obviously you care nothing about me."
Person 1: "Loving you has nothing to do with it.  It is not logical.  Doing this will cause this and that to happen.  Don't you understand that?"
Narc; "That's it!  I have had it with you and your threats!" (Narc throws nearest object at person 1)
This ends with shouting, cursing and more objects being thrown, until person 1 finally concedes, because they can see there is no end in sight unless their answer is "Yes, dear."

Conversation confronting Narcissist about a lie:
Person 1: "Why did you say Jane Doe told you XYZ?"
Narc:  Because that's exactly what she said to me.
Parson 1:  "No, it's not what she said.  What she said was ABC."
Narc:  "You're wrong!  She said XYZ!"
Person 1:  "Well, let me just call her and put her on speaker phone and we will get to the bottom of this and see who said what."   (dialing phone and waiting for Jane Doe to answer)
Narc:  "You are crazy!  I am leaving!  I don't have to stay here and be subjected to this crap!"  (Narcissist storms out before any determination can be made.)
Narcissists always make the bigger scene and redirect the attention back to themselves, in a sense bullying everyone else from investigating to find the truth.

     The biggest gripe about narcissists is that they manage to lie, cheat and steal their way through life, while normal people are always the ones to overlook their behavior. Normal people don't want to make a scene and don't usually call the narcissist out on their lies and behavior.  Normal people take up the slack when the narcissist makes a scene and storms out, because that's just what most people do.  Normal people whisper to one another about the narcissist, but few are brave enough to endure the over-reaction that will occur if they confront the narcissist.  Most people are too polite to snarl back at the narcissist, and remain silent while the narcissist spouts lies and deceptions at will.  They are nothing but bullies, with no personality or character without their illusion of lies.
     You may not know whereof I speak, but if the time comes that you encounter a true narcissist, you will know.  Rest assured, you will know.

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